Thanks for the Pamphlet, Miss Pillsbury
by cruiscin lan
Summary: Finn opens up to the guidance counselor about everything going on in his life - including his relationship with Quinn, what he thinks about Puck and Rachel together, and spontaneous ketchup allergies. Contains swearing; spoilers up to "Sectionals."


Hey, Miss Pillsbury, how are you? Do you have a moment? I only ask because you're, like, a guidance counselor, and I have something I need to get off my chest. Normally I would go to Mr. Schue about this sort of thing, but I think he's got enough chick problems as it is and... yeah, this is kind of a chick problem. Mind if I sit down?

So, like, remember when you were coaching Glee for like a week, and on your first day I sort of, like, starting punching Puck in the face, and Quinn told me it wasn't her baby, and I kicked a chair that Principal Figgins made my mom pay to replace? Oh, good, 'cause that saves a lot of explanation.

So anyway, like, at the time Quinn was staying at my house, but when she told me it wasn't my baby, I was, like, really mad at her for a while. Like, I couldn't even be in the same room as her without crying like a girl. I couldn't talk to her. I couldn't look at her. It was really, really awful between us for a few days.

But I didn't tell my mom about it. I thought for sure if I told Mom then Quinn would have to leave. Quinn had already been kicked out by her own parents, and even though I was really, really fucking mad at her, I knew she didn't have anywhere else to go. So I just tried avoiding them both for a while - both my mom and Quinn, I mean.

When I woke up the day after sectionals, though, they were both already sitting at the kitchen table. It looked like they had split at least two or three boxes of tissues between them, crying and stuff. Quinn had gone ahead and told Mom herself, and for the first time in, like, months, I felt really relieved. Like _really_ relieved. Mom wasn't even mad or anything - it takes a lot to make her mad, and when she's mad she throws milk, and she hates to waste food and stuff. But even so, I could tell she'd been crying a whole lot because her eyes were really red and puffy when she looked up at me and asked what I wanted to do.

I said, "What do I want to do about the what, now?" In the mornings I don't always talk so good.

And then she said "She told me everything, honey," in, like, that reassuring mom way. "But she doesn't have anywhere else to go. We can't turn our backs on her without helping her find a new place to stay."

At first I thought _why can't she stay with fucking Puck_ and then I thought _fucking Puck - fuck that's what fucking started this whole fucking thing. Fuck_. But then I looked over at Quinn and she was staring at me with her eyes real big and it reminded me of the first time I went with her to the doctor and she told me she was freaking out just before the ultrasound. It was the first time I think I ever saw her really scared, and here it was again - that really, really scared look on her face.

"Can't she stay here, Mom?" I asked. "You told her she could stay as long as she wanted."

My mom looked at me real confused and Quinn's mouth fell open a little bit. "You sure, hon?" Mom asked. "It's okay to be angry, and..."

But I stopped her and was like "It's cool." I looked back over at Quinn and she was looking at the backs of her hands, staring at them like she was gonna be tested on them later or something, so then I asked my mom "Do we have any bacon? Can I have bacon for breakfast?"

My mom was like "sure" and Quinn was all shy and kinda like "can you make some for me, too?" and I think that's when things finally started to get back to some kind of normal between all of us.

Anyway, Quinn was really sorry. She _still_ is really sorry. She wishes the whole thing had never happened, and I agree. She wishes she had told me the truth from the beginning, and I agree. She told me that she loves me and she'd do pretty much anything to be my girlfriend again, but I think that might be because she doesn't really have anyone else, you know?

Well, there's Puck, but he doesn't count.

Yeah, he's Drizzle's dad. I mean, like, the baby's dad. Drizzle's my nickname for her; Quinn kind of hates it, but it's a really cool name, right? Anyway, yeah, he's been all like "I want to be there for you and the baby" but she's not into the idea _at all_. She's also told me that she wishes that I had been Drizzle's dad, because at least if we kept her then I'd set a good example for her. She's still planning to give the baby up for adoption, and I think it's because she's not ready to be a mom, and plus Puck's not a good example, like she says.

I think by that she means that Puck's kind of a man-whore. Which is true - don't get me wrong. Like, I see him with girls _all_ the time, and he's always talking about chasing pussy and stuff. It's really bothered Quinn all along, I guess, and that's why she didn't tell me right away and made up that hot-tub thing. She always thought I'd be a better dad than Puck because there's only one thing that's important to him, and that's sex.

Actually, it's _really_ starting to bother me. Puck, I mean. And sex. No, not _me_! Because he's already slept with my kind-of girlfriend and knocked her up, all right? And like that wasn't bad enough, now he's going after Rachel Berry.

Okay, the truth - I really like Rachel. I mean, yeah, we kissed and stuff, and I was with Quinn at the time, so it was wrong, and that's part of why I think I maybe should forgive her for doing the same kind of thing to me except it was sex, except I probably would have had sex with Rachel if I could have, but I got this problem, like, and I have to think about the mailman that I - wait, what was I even talking about?

Right. Rachel. Rachel Berry. Rachel is a friend of mine, you know? So I'm just trying to be a good guy and look out for her. Like in Glee club, how she's always looking out for me - making sure I know all the dance steps and the words to the songs and everything. I just want to make sure she knows what she's getting into.

So yeah, I told her that I thought Puck was a bad kind of dude. And then I told Puck if I ever caught him checking her out, I was going to kick his balls in.

Anyway, I can pretty much guarantee that Puck's getting his balls kicked in one of these days. I know they're sneaking around, Miss Pillsbury. I got a fifth sense about these things.

You want me to explain? Okay. Well, first of all, at Glee practice they always sit as far from each other as humanly possible. They do that because if they sit close to one another, then they'll start poking at each other and making eye contact and giving themselves away, so instead, like, when one sits down the other one will go to the opposite side of the room automatically. If they weren't trying so hard to avoid each other, then they'd end up near each other _sometimes_, you know?

That _does_ sound a little bit like a conspiracy theory, now that you say it like that. But trust me, there's more to it. There's evidence and stuff. Like when Rachel and I were practicing the main parts of "Somebody to Love" the other day I swear to god her breath smelled like dip.

Don't you _get_ it, Miss Pillsbury? _Puck_ dips. No, not _chip_ dip, Miss Pillsbury. I mean, like, tobacco and stuff.

So then I was like "Rachel, wow, what did you have for lunch? Smells really, like, fragrant" and she was really embarrassed and she covered her mouth and was all like "I'm sorry, Finn, I snuck a cigarette in the bathroom at lunch" or something like that. It was a _really_ lame excuse.

No, I don't know where everyone is buying these tobacco products. You can't buy tobacco until you're eighteen? Really? I never knew that. Is there an age limit to buy alcohol, too? _Really_? Wow. Good thing beer doesn't count.

Anyway, as I was saying, I think Puck and Rachel have been seeing each other secretly. When I used to call Rachel, she'd always pick up after the first ring, and now it goes straight to voicemail. And she takes forever to respond to texts, too.

I'm not really friends with Puck anymore, so I don't give a shit about what he does, as long as it's not Rachel Berry. Because she's too special for him, right? She's a really nice girl - almost _too_ nice, you know what I mean? Plus she's got nothing but talent and a really nice ass and she gets good grades and works real hard and stuff. He used to throw slushies in her face, like, _every_ day, and I don't know what his deal is now with her. What's he trying to do, you know? Like, you can't take back all those slushies. I'm worried that he's doing this to get back at me, or something, or to get back at Quinn, and it's all going to blow up in Rachel's face, and I just don't want to see her get hurt.

I _guess_ people can change, Miss Pillsbury. I guess I just don't believe that _Puck_ could.

So anyway that's why I stopped Rachel when I saw her before school started today. I was like "What's up, Rach?" and she was like "Good morning, Finn, I'm glad to see you made it on time today," and so I said "Actually that's because I wanted to talk to you about something" and she said "If it's about practicing for the solo, I'm afraid I can't help you, because I have plans this weekend."

Miss Pillsbury, she has _plans_ this weekend. She probably has _plans_ with _Puck_. I was so, like, surprised or something that I didn't even know what to say to that, so she was like "Well I guess I'll see you after school," and I was like "Yeah, I guess."

So, like, what should I do? Should I just, like, pre-emptively kick Puck's balls in? Should I try harder to convince Rachel that he's no good? Should I tell Quinn about it? I don't know, 'cause with her hormones and everything lately, she'll either be too tired to care or else she'll, like, yell and scream at everyone. Speaking of that, do you know if there's a Handel's ice cream place around here? Because she said it's her favorite ice cream and she had it on the way to cheerleading camp in Pittsburgh but I think the closest place they have it is in, like, Canton.

Anyway, what should I do about Puck and Rachel? I need some advice here, Miss Pillsbury.

Mind my own business? I... I never thought of that.

Well, that's the bell. I gotta get back to class. Um, thanks for the pamphlet, I guess.

* * *

Hi, Miss Pillsbury. I got a note that said you needed to see me?

Oh - about that. Um, no, I don't think the pamphlet really helped. The problem really isn't about tobacco. I mean, _Puck's_ got a problem with tobacco, not me. I don't know. I just don't think it applied to, like, my own situation, and stuff.

Yeah, I _did_ end up talking to Rachel after school. I kinda wish I hadn't. She was really, really upset, and then I was really, really upset and I'm not so sure if we're even friends anymore, to be honest.

I told her that Puck is just using her to get back at me and Quinn, and she didn't like that idea very much. She was all like "well, what do you expect me to do, wait around for you forever?" and then she was like "if you were really my friend, Finn, you'd let me learn from my own mistakes." I didn't know what to say to that. I mean, why learn from your own mistakes when you can learn from someone else's? I mean, like, there's already Quinn, and she's learning from her own mistake with Puck, and why would Rachel want to do something like that?

And that's when Rachel went off about the difference between mistakes and _stupid_ mistakes, but you know how fast she talks sometimes and I could only understand about half of what she said. Like, I guess a mistake is to have sex with Puck, but a stupid mistake is to have sex with Puck without a condom while you're seeing someone else, and then lying to your boyfriend about it when you get knocked up, or something. Anyway, she said something like that, and that was _really_ low and I told her so and she kinda just went "hmph" and ignored me all through Glee practice.

So then when we got home I told Quinn about it, and she was upset about it, too. She was all like "Why do you care so much about what Rachel Berry does?" but then she'd be all like "Puck is such a jerk, I can't believe he'd do this" and I don't even know where she stands, you know? She goes back and forth _all the time_. It's so weird because sometimes she'll be like "Oh my god I really need a burger right now, like I _need_ a burger" so I get her a burger and she scarfs it down and then like ten minutes later she pukes it up anyway. She obviously didn't _need_ the burger if that's what she's gonna do with it, you know?

That's - that's a pregnancy thing? Oh. I kinda thought maybe she was allergic to ketchup, or something, but that makes sense, too.

Actually, can I go now? I have a math test fourth period and I was supposed to meet Brittany in study hall so I could copy her... copy her _notes_. Um, a new pamphlet? Okay, I'll look over it. Thanks again, Miss Pillsbury.

* * *

Miss Pillsbury, can I come in? Oh, hey Jacob, can you get lost for a second? I need to talk to Miss Pillsbury. It's kind of important. Do this for me, and I'll get the basketball team to stop pantsing you in gym. Thanks.

Yeah, I know I was just in here this morning. I even looked over the pamphlet you gave me - I still have it right here. Brittany drew all those mustaches on the people, by the way. Not me.

Anyway, something happened while I was on my way to my math test and I needed to talk to someone about it right away. 'Cause here's the thing - I overheard Quinn talking to Puck and now I don't know what to think anymore.

So, like, hear's the story. I'm going to my class and on my way there I pass the home ec classroom, and the door is open and I know there's no class there fourth period so I'm a little curious and I poke my head in, and there's Puck and Quinn.

No, they weren't doing - they were just _talking_ Miss Pillsbury. Geez. Only Santana Lopez does that _at school_. I mean, seriously.

So anyway they're just talking, and I didn't mean to but they didn't see me by the door so I kinda start listening in. At first I thought they must be talking about Drizzle stuff, because, I don't know, he _is_ her dad, and then I'm a little worried that maybe they're talking about _them_ together, because even though Quinn's only kind-of my girlfriend right now, I'd be mad if she got back together with Puck right now, you know?

But they aren't talking about either of those things. They're talking about me, a little bit, but mostly Rachel.

Quinn's saying to him, like, "Finn's really concerned about you and Rachel Berry, and I just wanted to find out how much he needs to worry about, because he's her friend and you kind of have a track record of screwing him over, you know?"

And at first he's like "It's none of your business," and then she gives him one of her bitchiest bitch-faces and he's like, "Okay, here's the thing - I really like Rachel and I would never, ever hurt her."

Like, that's nice to hear and all, but I kinda don't believe him and Quinn obviously doesn't either, because she says "It's not enough to just _like_ somebody, you know, you have to really work hard, and sometimes even then it's not enough," and he's all sarcastic like "Yeah, you would know" and she's like "Yeah, I _would_ know, so just shut up and listen for a second, okay?"

So then she says "Here's the thing. If two people only have one thing in common, then there's no way they're gonna work out, you know? Like you and me - the only thing we have in common is a mistake we made a few months ago. Right now the only thing that you and Rachel have in common, as far as I can tell, is that you can't have me and she can't have Finn."

And then Puck stops her and says "Full of yourself, much?" and then he says "It's not like that."

So Quinn says "Do you really like her for who she is? Do you do anything together besides Glee? Do you guys hang out just to hang out, or do you always need to be making out and stuff? Have you even watched all her Myspace videos? 'Cause she has, like, a thousand." She said a bunch of other stuff, too, but I forgot most of it.

But anyway it really makes Puck think, I guess, because it's all quiet in there for a few minutes, and I almost turn around and go to class but I'm already late at this point, so why bother? And then Puck finally opens his mouth again and is like "I really just like Rachel, okay? Maybe she's not cool, and she still won't let me get into her pants, but I kinda like that about her. She listens to me, and I listen to her, and yeah maybe a lot of it has to do with you and your idiot boyfriend, but who else are we going to talk to about that besides each other? Anyway, it's not just a stupid fling, and it's not like I have anything else going for me right now, so you can tell Finn to step off."

And then I realize the conversation is over and I better get out of there before they know I've been eavesdropping, and I'm still trying to process it all and I've probably missed the whole math test so I just thought I'd come to you first.

I mean, yeah, I guess it really wasn't any of my business in the first place. I was just really worried that, I don't know, Puck was trying to be a dickwad and Rachel was too, like, naive and innocent and she'd fall for it. It's just been a crazy year, you know? I guess I'll never be able to look at anyone the same way after all this, but maybe it's better that way. I should apologize to Rachel. It's not like I'm gonna give her my blessing, or whatever - it's not like she _needs_ it, anyway, because who am I to her? - but I feel really bad about the way I talked to her the other day, and I still want to be friends. I guess I _should_ just trust her, you know? Even if I can't trust Puck, I know Rachel isn't going to do anything stupid. Well, not anything _too_ stupid, anyway.

Thanks, Miss Pillsbury. I guess maybe I just needed someone to listen to me for a while. It's a good thing you're here, right? Also, can you write a note explaining why I missed the math test? He won't let me make it up unless I have a good excuse.

You need me to give this note to _who_? Santana? Sure. I'll see her in Glee practice later.

Again, thanks for everything, Miss Pillsbury.

Even the pamplets.


End file.
